How do you say no to a man on a date without being rude?

How do you say no to a man on a date without being rude?



My first priority after the 2016 election was to find the next available hand-to-hand combat preparedness class because I would not be caught dead walking around the Upside Down of Pantsuit Nation without training for it.

Weeks after the election, I was in a basement classroom at a Manhattan gun range. A former police officer who now works as a stuntman went over how to use our body parts as weapons, how to grab a man’s package and twist, and how to take a video of a potential assailant, because after an attack your brain may protect itself by wiping the memory.

Amid practice shots fired outside the room, I took notes. But one point wasn’t being covered, one point he didn’t have to consider: How do you say no to a man on a date without being rude? And without making him mad?

The ex‑officer searched his notes.

“Men react like dogs,” he said finally. “A genial ‘no’ sounds a lot like ‘yes.’ A ‘nice no’ has multiple translations, like ‘convince me’ and ‘try harder’ and ‘you don’t mean what you say.’ You must firmly, sharply, vociferously pronounce ‘NO.’”

Ah, before martial arts training, I needed to take its prerequisite, a self-defense communication class to address the legacy of silence that society had shoved down my throat since birth.

In 2015 Joey Soloway, the Emmy Award-winning writer and director, declared “a state of emergency” for a woman’s voice, in creative fields and everywhere else. For me, it was an emergency that I said “yes” when I thought “no,” that I believed it was basic etiquette to go along with a romantic overture, that I was taught a man’s satisfaction eclipses my comfort and also taught to say yes in every octave — never “no.”

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It is an emergency that active consent remains fraught. It’s an emergency that language itself makes sex crimes difficult to prosecute (“he said; she said/whined/lied”). As Rebecca Solnit points out in her book “Men Explain Things to Me,” published pre-Depp vs. Heard, “It’s particularly when women speak up about sexual crimes that their right and capacity to speak come under attack.”

Ever since I started dating, “no” was beyond my ability, just as it was beyond many listeners’ frequencies. Like, I would say no, just not in those words (“ow” didn’t count). Or “no” seemed out of the question because “no” is insulting, hostile, harsh, bitchy, stubborn, fussy, unattractive, unfun, unreasonable, awkward, insane.

Because “those who can’t do, teach,” I drafted a starter curriculum of what we all should have learned in health class and from magazines and all media. In Self-Defense Communication, first we’d get crystal clear on what constitutes violation. Because if we can’t name violation, then how can we refuse it?

Then we’d chant “NO” over and over, with more and more exclamation points, to get used to it, to get our minds and bodies on the same page. Then we’d expand our range: Please don’t speak to me like that. I’m not comfortable with that. That doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to. Nope. No way. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. Never.

Inherent in “self-defense” is that the onus falls on us to modify our behavior. Whatever happens to us is on us; it’s our mistake, our millstone. So Self-Defense Communication is one solution. Or, people could just really listen to women so that we don’t have to fight to be heard.

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Elissa Bassist teaches writing and edits the “Funny Women” column on The Rumpus. Her memoir, “Hysterical,” will be published Tuesday. ©2022 Los Angeles Times. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.



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