Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Cold Justice FRIDAY!

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Late Night Snark

“It’s the first day of fall, it was a beautiful day in southern California, made only more beautiful by the hammer of justice pounding down on our pumpkin spice ex-president.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“New York Attorney General Letitia James filed an over-200-page civil fraud lawsuit against former president Trump, several of his children, and business partners in the Trump organization. I’d say he needs a good lawyer, but that’s been true for a while now.”
—Seth Meyers


You are now below the fold. The special master says you may proceed.

“The president would claim that his properties were worth a lot more money than they actually were, so he could use them as collateral for huge loans he desperately needed from banks. Case in point: [Attorney General] James claimed that his property at Mar-a-Lago has a value of 75-million dollars, but the ex-president had claimed it was worth 739-million dollars. Well, of course it’s worth less now—the FBI took away all the most re-sellable documents.”
—Stephen Colbert

“Trump thinks he can declassify documents with his brain? He can’t even read documents with his brain.”
—Trevor Noah

Putin has resorted to sending volunteers to the front line with little training. And they’re pretty easy to spot.

— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) September 22, 2022

“It’s very obvious at this point that the path to Republican power lies in dickishness. I don’t know that there is a political platform or an ideology other than dickishness. This [kidnapping] stunt did exactly what he wanted it to do—jumped his profile [and] made him a hero amongst those for whom dickishness is one of the sole characteristics they’re looking for in their leaders. It probably angered Trump because, ‘Nobody’s gonna be a bigger dick than me.’ Imagine the season we are in where they are trying to one-up each other in utter cruelty.”
—Jon Stewart on Florida governor Ron DeSantis flying Venezuelan asylum-seekers from Texas to Massachusetts for no reason and with no warning.

“It has been a very weird ten days. In Morrisons—the [British] supermarket—they lowered the sound of the beeps at the checkout out of respect for the queen dying. As if someone would’ve gone in, heard the regular beeps, and gone: ‘Have some f*cking respect—as is tradition, a quieter beep is appropriate.’ After Charles becomes king the beeps will return.”
—John Oliver on Late Night

In California after 15 weeks, the fetus is given a podcast.
—Conan O’Brien on Twitter

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 23, 2022

Note colon You apostrophe d be correct if you guessed that tomorrow apostrophe s National Punctuation Day period And you know what question mark I think it apostrophe s great ampersand noble that it apostrophe s got its own day period As I always say comma quotation marks A day without punctuation is like a day without sunshine exclamation point quotation marks Can I get an Amen question mark

By the Numbers:

8 days!!!

Days ’til the midterm elections: 45

Days ’til the Loomis Eggplant Festival in California: 8

Number of employees Walmart plans to hire for the holidays: 40,000

Percent chance that the National Transportation Safety Board wants all new vehicles in the U.S. to have blood alcohol monitoring systems: 100%

Estimated percent of traffic fatalities that are alcohol-related: 30%

Inflated value Trump reported for Mar-a-Lago and its actual value, according to NY Attorney General Letitia James: $739 million, $75 million

Speed at which Walter Arnold was driving when he became the first person to be given a speeding ticket in Britain in 1896: 8mph

Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy Friday…

CHEERS to one wild week. The cheapest thing in the world (especially in politics) is words. But actions? That’s another thing. And this week was super-duper in terms of stuff actually happening. Since we’re all jonesin’ to start the weekend, and since you can’t start the weekend until you’ve read all of C&J, here’s the quickest recap in Recap Land:

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11th Circuit punches Trump (and his stooge judge Cannon) in the face over stolen classified docs…”Special master” Dearie swats down delay tactics by Trump lawyers and demands answers now…NY Attorney General files $250-million civil suit against Trump & spawn…Indiana judge blocks new state abortion ban from taking effect…Putin so desperate he resorts to conscription of old men…Ukraine trades one Russian oligarch for 200 combat heroes…Venezuelan asylum-seekers sue Florida Gov. DeSantis for kidnapping them in Texas and moving them to Massachusetts…

And a new Webb photo shows that Neptune accepted Saturn’s engagement ring!

…the Senate ratifies treaty eliminating planet-warming HFCs in fridges and ACs…Biden’s poll numbers continue rising as he defends democracy at UN…House passes Electoral Reform Act…Hurricane relief headed to Puerto Rico…Mike Lindell hit with identity-theft investigation…Senate confirms more judges, including first Taiwanese-American on the DC circuit…Judge orders the release of wrongly-convicted/imprisoned Adnan Syed…Iranians swarm to protest treatment of women by “morality police” as Russians swarm to protest the genocide in Ukraine…and the Las Vegas Aces win their first WNBA championship.

You are now up to date. Happy weekend.

CHEERS to Great Moments in Democracy. 233 years ago Sunday, in 1789, the First Federal Congress adopted twelve amendments to the Constitution and FedEx’d them to all 50 states for ratification. Ten of those amendments became the Bill of Rights. Had this same event occurred in recent times, Republicans would’ve re-written them to please QAnon, ALEC, the Federalist Society, Franklin Graham, and the remaining Koch brother, then rammed them through without any committee hearings or floor debate. But my point is: Ha Ha! They wore funny grampa socks back then! Seriously, those socks.

CHEERS to Year 5783. Happy New Year two days early! Rosh Hashanah starts at Sundown Sunday and C&J wishes all of our Jewish readers a hearty “Shana Tova!” minus the Times Square ball drop:

The only similarity between the Jewish New Year and the secular one is:

It ain’t the years…’s the mileage.

Many people use the New Year as a time to make “resolutions.” Likewise, the Jewish New Year is a time to begin looking back at the mistakes of the past year and planning the changes to be made in the new year. …

Rosh Hashana begins a 10 day period, known as Aseret Ymay Tshuva, (Ten Days of Repentance) or Yomim Nora’im (High Holy days). These ten days that end with Yom Kippur, are a time for Tshuva (repentance), Tefilla (prayer) and Tzedaka (charity).

Even though the C&J household is just a run-‘o-the-mill lapsed-Episcopalian/lapsed-Catholic domicile, we’ll still take a moment to blow a ram’s horn outside our neighbor’s bedroom window at 3am. We figure, why break with our normal routine just because it’s Rosh Hashanah?


A 🔟 isn’t enough for this floor routine by @katelyn_ohashi 🔥

— Tansu YEĞEN (@TansuYegen) September 22, 2022


CHEERS to the Environment President. On tomorrow’s date in 1906, Theodore Roosevelt signed a bill designating Devils Tower—that kewl rock formation in Wyoming made famous in Close Encounters of the Third Kind—as the country’s first National Monument. Some people call it America’s national nipple:

Fair warning: don’t tickle it or you’ll start an earthquake.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Here’s some of the stuff that may or may not be flickering on your teevee screen this weekend. Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew are required viewing, but not before watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! for the former’s blood pressure-lowering clackity-clacks and the latter’s…what’s the word…facts. The producers of Shark Tank are adding viewer participation for the season premiere (8, ABC), which means that any pitched product involving pork rinds or pumpkin spice will get a guaranteed green light.

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The Simpsons return Sunday in “Habeas Tortoise.”

The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. (No NFL or NBA action ‘til next month.) If you’re a fan of the spoon and mashie, the 2022 President’s Cup airs this weekend on NBC, and all I have to say is U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Busy Sunday ahead. The poverty-awareness Global Citizen Festival airs on ABC at 7. On 60 Minutes: Denver Riggleman, a former senior adviser to the House Jan. 6 committee, spills some dirt. The 327th season premiere of The Simpsons starts at 8 with Homer joining an online group looking for a missing tortoise…and something more sinister. And on the 189th season premiere of Family Guy (9, Fox), the Griffins perform a retelling of three Oscar-winning movies. Andy Richter is a contestant on the premiere of Celebrity Jeopardy! (8, ABC). Then, hot off his latest Emmy win, John Oliver roars back to HBO Sunday night at 11 with a fresh episode of Last Week Tonight.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: White House National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD); Rep. Nancy Mace (The Cult-SC).

This Week: Creepy John Barrasso (The Cult-WY) reveals that he plans to scare the children in his neighborhood on Halloween by dressing up as Senator John Barrasso.

Did you know? One of Liz Truss’s shoes has a retractable spike in the toe.

CNN’s State of the Union: The newest wackadoo British Prime Minister Liz Truss promotes her exciting new plan to extend more tax cuts for the rich. re-invade the Falklands, and make all the commoners put their clothes onto the lower peg.

Face the Nation: Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy; Rep. Pete Aguilar (D-CA); Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta president Raphael Bostic; White House National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; new midterm polling.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Elise Stefanik (The Cultiest of the Cultists-NY); Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); Gen. Jack Keane (Ret.).

Happy viewing!

Ten years ago in C&J: September 23, 2012

JEERS to getting going when the going is getting toughing. A massive, huge, really large and, some say, giant bulbous wave of panic set in yesterday when it was announced that Tim Pawlenty was fleeing the Romney campaign as co-chair. Within moments the questions started flying from inside Mitt’s camp: How will this impact the campaign? What happens now? Is it all over? Tim who?

And just one more…

CHEERS to the day the Straight Talk Express jumped the tracks. It happened fourteen years ago Sunday, and it’s become a high holy day on the American political calendar ever since. It started when John McCain—back in his evil Iraq War-flogging days—“suspended” his presidential campaign so he could ride to Washington on a white stallion to stop the economic collapse that happened on his party’s watch, a much-mocked effort that consisted of a perfunctory appearance at the Bush White House. But that half-baked stunt quickly faded into the background when, with Keith Olbermann sitting beside him as a witness to history, David Letterman delivered the coup de grâce after catching McCain in a pasty-faced lie:

YouTube Video

Barack Obama went on to successfully navigate eight years in the Oval Office, and McCain did not. So thank you, Dave, for being so quick that night. But more important: Thank you, John, wherever you are, for being so slow.

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Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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